Jill is my queen

Top: Jill Conner Browne. Bottom: The Queens all dressed up and ready to party.

If you haven't read the Sweet Potato Queens' books, please just go to a bookstore or library and treat yourself to their humor, wisdom, and incredible joie de vivre. Here's what Jill Conner Browne says about men not calling:

In the absence of a call, don't devote any precious girlfriend time to the divination of the possible reasons for this gross lapse in manners and this inexplicable failure of his to avail himself of the company and attentions of the world's most amazing woman (you). Why would we want to spend any time at all thinking about somebody who is clearly not thinking about is? Our time is better utilized in scoping out the ones who are, and rewarding that good behavior. But if you absolutely must have a satisfactory explanation for why he hasn't called, how about this: What if he was dead? He couldn't call then, now could he? We know he wanted to--more than anything--but dead guys don't ever call, and even if they did, they don't have any money and you can't fuck them, so what's the point? You cannot date the dead--no one can. It's not even an acquired taste, like stamp collectors or something--they are completely unsuitable, the ultimate sow's ear. . . .

That cute little Laurie Roberts says sometimes she leaves a loophole in this and only has them seriously ill, as in "Hear from so-and-so?" "No, he's coughing up blood." That way if he does call, he can recover, but it's easy enough to eliminate him if he doesn't. Perfect. You can kill him off however it suits you, and tsk-tsk over the tragic waste of life and sigh over the missed opportunity. But as they say, life is for the living, and you, Miss Livewire, must move on. (SPQ's Field Guide to Men, 2004, pp. 197-98)